||[11 May 2004|03:22pm]
i guess i didnt realize that i was ever in a group at ishpeming.. i never saw myself as being able to talk to the girls and say "us".. or to even look back and think "what happeend to us?" every person that i've gotten to be best friends w/ at ish, before or after i started going here, i've grown apart from..
ash wrote this in her journal:
So i'm beginning to realize how much things change, how much i've lost touch with people who were my best friends..I really hate it. Yes i do still have the majority of my friends but there is a one in particular that really upsets me but i won't say the name so i don't get bitched at. It's like she became too cool for all of us and she doesn't talk to us unless she has a question about sumthing and thats only when she doesn't have any one else to ask.
and i realized that there was a very good chance she was talking about me.. so i commented:
im going to assume that your talking about me, if not then forget any of this..
but i cant say that you're wrong. but just to get the record straight, i do not in any way think that im better than anyone, especially not you or laurie or anyone else you're talking about..
im sorry if we've drifted apart, im not going to say that it isnt my fault because we both know i'd be lying. part of going through highschool is changing, changing everything, including sometimes, your friends.. its not that you arent good enough or anything, its not that i like you any less, its just that people change, and along with that they need to have people that have the same interests, the same things to talk about.. everything changes, im sorry that it happens to be the case with us.. cuz i really do enjoy looking back on all of our memories and laughign and stuff, but just remember that even if we never hang out anymore and we dont talk much, we'll both always have the memories..
if you ever need me, i'll still be here..
sorry this happened..
and then, the part that really effected me.. brenda commented this:
I'm assuming it's me your talking about, and if it is, will you tell me? and if it's not, I still want you and everyone to know this.
It saddens me that I've drifted apart from all of my friends. What happened to going out to lunch, or going for ice cream, or going to marq? It's my fault that those don't happen. After I stopped hanging out w/ Jenni and her Marq friends, I've became more to my self. I don't know, I would rather sit at home by my self then go out and have friends. Weird eh? I learned by keeping everything in to my self, it causes less fights, and I don't have to worry about my friends being mad at me. I really wish I could go months back and change so many things. I would change how we stoped going out to lunch Ashley, how i stoped hanging out w/ Jenni..I would change spending so much time w/ Justin.. Ashley when you started going out w/ Matt and you both were so happy together, I was jelous..I wanted someone who would be with me and be happy..and love me..and care for me as much as you and matt care for each other. Laure and Alonso are happy...I just wanted to spend all my time w/ Justin, thinking maybe doing that he will love me and we will be happy togehter...but I was wrong...Spending every moment w/ him was a bad idea..
Ashley, I miss hanging out with you :( I miss hanging out w/ Jenni, I miss everyone:( Its so scary that school is almost out, and then we will be seniors. I dont want to fuck anything up anymore with our friendship....I'm so sorry :c( i miss everyone....
Guys i'm sorry :c(
I'm sorry if I act like I'm 'better than everyone else'I'm not better then anyone....No one is better then anyone...we are all alike....
If you wanna go out for lunch someitme this week or whenever you have time Ashley, let me know, I'm up for it..
And Jenni, if you ever wanna hang out, ask or talk t o me about it..
I want things back how they used to be...i love you's all
i realize that all the while i've been thinking i never had a place here, and in doing that i was pushing away people that might actually care about me..
i have been a huge bitch and im super sorry.. i cant take anything back, i cant say that im not going to hang out with marquette people.. cuz even if i stopped things wouldnt go back to how they used to be.. we have to face it, we arent in middle school anymore and our top priorities arent the girls anymore.. all you guys have boyfriends that take up a large portion of your time.. nothing wrong with that, but its how it is.. and i have friends that i have a little more in common with, and i need them to help me with stuff im going through cuz they understand..
ive learned that its more than possible to have more than one group of friends.. its not meaning that i love any of you any less.. sometimes it turns out to be a lot harder to manage time than i thought, but just cuz im not hanging otu with you doesnt mean im all of a sudden hatin on you..
like i told ash, we'll always have the memories, and hopefully we'll get the chances to make new ones, but if not, no one can take the memories away from you.. except yourself.